Raindrops in my mind

I am sitting on the floor of a small balcony in a not so small building, on the fourth floor. The building is old in styles of the 1960’s when human hand could build curves with ease rather than create simple boxes as human habitat. Little droplets fall from the sky, directly on me in angles that make me wonder on the conspiracies of God! But, I cringe in a corner with a cigarette to complement the coolness with some warmth from the smoke, maybe for stimulation when the wind is making me soporific. I can see the Kolkata sky in all its dark mirth and lightning making way through it. I sit there, still, in the beauty, mesmerised and satisfied of the rain in the heat of summer. The wind smells different. It smells clean and cold with the typical smell of water on hot concrete. I adulterate it with smoke but still want to fill my lungs with a long deep breath. Perhaps I want to keep that in me for long, but I want another of that gush to keep me satisfied. I oblige myself. It gives me pleasure to look up and take a glance towards the sky which doesn’t seem too far from me. The cold droplets on my face make me happy, they carry with them some kind of message that tells my mind to fire up thoughts that I would not otherwise. I sit there and think with a blank mind!

I was lost in goodness of the spiritual cleansing part when suddenly there was a bell and my friend ran to get it, always being the humblest of all. There was a Tennessee made whiskey waiting in the hands of a huge guy with a naughty smile. I could look through the door at an angle to see it all, but could not just get up to congratulate him on his newfound kindness towards me. He took all the trouble to bring it and gave me the time to sit and enjoy my evening. I would get a sip on it without having to fight my way through, I suppose! But, I feel too numb to move, in this cool beautiful rain. I want to sit there through the evening into the night. This is one of my favourite hangouts in Sardar Shankar Road, where old mixed with the new where, I wonder when I can get all stimulants to mix together to make another evening for me, to sit, to talk, to watch, to sing and to think!

“Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me”

……B.J. Thomas

Noesis!

I was stranded in the moonlight; I was alone in the storm,

I was a mute audience in the game of life;

And I never knew, he asked for a fight!

I was trembling in the emotions; I was walking in the squall,

I was a dazed fighter in the battle of tenderness;

And I never knew, I needed it!

Numbed by the ways this world is now

I wish, I was there in the midst of the clouds

Dreaming the way I am, in the sun or the wind.

The harder I try to make a sense of what I want to do, the worse it becomes.....is it just that I don't have the words or is it they have said it all before I was to experience it!

Of Spite

Spite brings little solace, for the wrongs done are numerous
Useless repercussions tend to erode the self from the selfless me;
And I grow weary from the soporific thoughts so many,
To erase a past is to erase you, from your own memory!

Troubled are the times when you struggle for your being,
People embezzling your ‘self’ just to speak of change,
And I grow dazed and confused from the nuances so many,
To erase life is to erase you, from your own surroundings!

To stop at the juncture is to die for the past,
Move on for the best is due,
If you get stuck to the questions unanswered,
You fall into the whirlpool, never to return!

Long lost.....reasons?

After many days and months and the likes of chronological count I suddenly felt today of writing. Writing something that will find a place in this blog, maybe for people to read or for my contentment.

I have been reeling around time and fighting the lost battle of desolation. Things have changed so much around me. I have changed. Maybe yesterday I liked the standard dose of blues by Muddy Waters but today I like a little overdose of Metal; of Opeth, of growling and power chords and what not, but I can sense a change from the Pearl Jam to the Power Jam. Maybe the meaningless Yellow Ledbetter still provides me the right lyrics to croon but music has changed for me. Ah! I like it.

Moments of madness and the sweetness of a Voice seems like crass cacophony eroding the morality and endangering species like me. The nous seems to have vanished and has put me through an ordeal to emerge triumphant. I am who I was, ah, at last!

I wonder how they ‘won’ battles so morbidly, how they could have called themselves victorious. You leave another incapacitated to rise up and grow. I wonder how the shoot grows having been mauled by feet and men. I wonder what would have happened, if survival of the fittest ever existed in human-beings, not breast fed but left alone, to find a source to sustain. Ah! Human – Beings!

Maybe that is the reason that I might be losing my religion and still am not in the spotlight. Maybe that is the reason 'Rapid Eye Movements' still find little space in my memory card! Ah! The reasons!

Tambourine Man

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Sitting in the office cubicle I feel like a sleep deprived idiot bearing the utmost desire to get out and feel the fineness of a free afternoon, lazing around in the hustle bustle of the city streets. I am a working man! What an irony of fate, when I can’t think of following you to the destinations unexplored. I need the sweet music to pervade my skin and provide me with the goodness of being alive.

Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand,
Vanished from my hand,
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping.
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet,
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.
That I don’t know when the empire returned into sand and when it all was

I don’t know when the empire returned into sand and that is what everyone feels, after taking a round trip to self-realization. I have experiences of such kind all the time. Sometimes I find little reason behind actions that I take, and still more, don’t even realize the ‘action’ already executed. It’s just that I can be a silent observer and get blinded by thoughts that run haywire around the sky. At this moment I can visualize standing in the cool breeze blowing for impending storm, looking at the black cloud borderline where the sun rays make a dull lemon chiffon yellow hue which plays with the grey and black of the cloud. And the beauty is too exciting and colourful for dreams to take over the process.

Self

It feels like the waves, which hit the shores with the clout so strong, that it takes you to a different land. The shores of the mind are constantly being plundered by thoughts that have no connotation or similitude to the empty self. One moment of watery thoughtfulness like a roller-coaster ride without limits or boundaries and the next moment of dreadful void. It’s an irony that I still classify the “self” as “empty”. Delving deep into it reveals the open nothingness that is concealed just not to trigger utter dismay. These are all the ‘derivatives’ of the simple-thoughts that gradually get twisted to instigate this writing or this blog. I hate this vacillation of thoughts. I hate being a stupid observer with no real powers to outdo the self.

But still this is me! The ever-growing authoritative self!

Randomisation

My personal feelings for a person are often unwarranted. I don’t solicit reason in every matter, for the person to be understood in totality. I like him or not depend not on the constant marauding of conscience for recognition but on the intuition of him being affable. There is a mistake that I consciously fall prey to. People are not to be trusted. What is the point in it, when I can’t trust my own self? I have been interrogating my own novice intuitions for such arbitrary action, but to my dismay I find little answers. Only respite lies in arbitrary choice for trust and further randomisation of self. I wonder, what a further ‘humanified’ self of mine will look like……..an empty zero with no corners!!!